Walking On Glass

It is the year 2021, post-emancipation, post-integration, post-civil rights reform, and post-Trump era. What do we see but the ripple effects of a rude awakening to the egregious acts of an administration that managed to thrust to the forefront so much racist hate. Most of us knew it existed, apparently shoved into a pressure cooker, merely a guise of political correctness and deluded justice. The authorities and organizations that overlooked basic human rights reminded us not so subtly, that humanity didn’t matter. Hundreds of thousands of Covid deaths were barely addressed. Who could imagine the highest ranking person in the executive branch of the government would lead with deception and frank disregard for truth and justice, setting a scary precedent to his constituents that anyone can do anything they want outside of the law. Who would have thought that the knee of a bully, an officer of the law, could wield so much power and anger? Huge ideals of justice, kindness, benevolence, altruism were not only thrown to the wind, but replaced with action that only fed into greed and an alternate reality of lies. This didn’t just set back the plight of women, but the plight of all minorities. 

Do we not remember when African women and men were ripped from their homes and brought to America, separated from their families and sold as slaves? Not even recognized as human beings, they were shuffled around from home to home as property. Brown and black skin was a feature of an inferior existence that lasted over 250 years. Protection from rape and physical and verbal abuse was a nonexistent notion for most of these people; the right to speak their minds, pursue their dreams were luxuries that came so much after basic rights of freedom from slavery were granted. Although there has been slow progress, it seems like taking two steps forward repeatedly results in tens steps back. As we sigh, we just have to understand that the daily tide washes up rare gems once in a while….

The shimmer of this most recent gem cannot be ignored…our first black, first Asian, first ever woman Vice-President. It’s almost too profound a question to ask: What does this mean to girls? What does this mean to women, or to the country as a whole? Born to immigrant, minority parents who were undeniably conscious of the state of the country during the civil rights movement, Kamala was raised to believe in fighting for what is right. Being infused with so much courage by an educated single-parent who left India to pursue her educational dreams, Kamala followed a legacy left by very conscientious grandparents that never turned their back on those suffering from personal or institutional injustice.  No doubt her lineage has played a role in her climb from California’s prominent prosecutor, to their first black attorney general, and subsequent state Senator.  She has always been a role model to women in her career, but as Madam Vice President, this is beyond breaking the glass ceiling.  One has to look at the times, to truly understand how significant this is to all people. Amidst a pandemic, and during a transition from one of the worst presidential eras in American history, Kamala Harris rose to a position that may soon become the beacon of light and hope that so many are craving.  An example of grace under pressure, and humility within the changing of the guards, Madame Vice President Harris has shown diligence and expediency in support of  President Biden in the mere two first months of office. Most profound part of all of this? She leads with confidence, yet follows with humility, as is evident in her style of addressing the nation as she gives deference to her Commander-in-Chief every time.  She clearly has adapted to teamwork that focuses on the grave issues facing Americans. Undeniably a trailblazer, Kamala Harris has chosen not to make her place about pride and staunch feminism, but about service to people.  Although it is early in her term, it’s tough not to see the seeds being planted for her future success.  

The pandemic and even the Trump era forced the realization that nothing is what one expects it to be…and people aren’t always held accountable for their actions. As our sense of security was challenged during the darkest of days, the desperate need for change has brought a breath of fresh air in what Kamala Harris represents. A glimmer of hope that replaces feelings of frustration, betrayal, and insecurity with ideals of service to humanity, liberation from gender inferiority, and a sense that any girl or woman could strive for anything. What an incredible journey to follow…

~Scribesquill

Enjoy!

Throughout my childhood, the word “husband” always carried a meaning that was rooted in ideas of respect, comfort, and security.  To me, it belonged to a nurturing role that stemmed from love and kindness.  And although not every man embodied such a sophisticated combination of these attributes, I realized as I evolved into a young woman, and eventually a grateful married middle-aged person, that in fact, there were men in my life that were so decent, they gave me hope that the plight of women could result in respect and admiration…such a far away concept from the sentiment of disregard, and even invisibility that was front and center for the reality of so many of the “weaker gender.”

It was so obvious as I left my sheltered childhood home, where male figures such as my brothers, father, and grandfathers always handled me with gentle respect, that the real raw and harsh world was filled with male figures that simply couldn’t see the true potential of a woman. At least not beyond the limited utility of their physical roles as partners, mothers, housekeepers, and breadwinners. Experiences in a myriad of environments in grad school, the workplace, community settings, and even in my own family structure showcased the whole gambit of who men thought they were in respect to women. There was an incredible mix of regard that included a range of behaviors exhibiting honest respect to hypocritical acceptance, and downright disdain.

Women in most settings have had to earn respect through making their attributes visible, and especially in the workplace, proving they are superior. The idea that such respect is automatically given by men remains rare.  I can’t help but wonder if men proceeded with kind regard, what roles women could rise to…and if they could do so without experiencing the journey of defensive resent. Fighting for essential rights, let alone equal ones, has always been a part of a women’s plight to be recognized as independent individuals that matter. And as such an identity has evolved for so many, it hasn’t come without side effects. An overwhelming movement of a brand of feminism to not need men anymore, has risen to the top. With it has come the need for many to prove they can actually do it without men. No doubt, some don’t have a choice, as their male figures have let them down. But for some, the notion of disregarding them completely has come from a lack of experiencing positive male role models in their own lives or in the lives of their matriarchal reference points.

So this side effect seems to be leading to the disintegration of respect in men overall…an unfortunate disappearance of wanting or even needing men in mutually fulfilling relationships. Does this render women to be superior to men in their minds? If so, has that not flipped the patriarchal paradigm that women have struggled to change?  Sadly, the female race may stand to lose out on the attributes of good men. Indeed they exist…my inspiration to write comes from the utter regard I received as an individual from the men around me. Mind you, I fought my mini-battles, but made my words and my thoughts heard to my male counterparts! My urgency to advocate for giving men a chance stems from the idea that the relationships that shaped my view of men also molded my approach toward raising my son, and fostering a notion of kindness, thoughtfulness, and respect toward women. It was my father’s esteem for my mother, and her mutual respect for him, that taught me how to show kind regards to my husband…thus closing the loop. 

We have the power as women to change generations of subjugation, disrespect, harassment, inequality….the list goes on and on. At some point and time, a male child was raised. Whether it was a village or two parents, or just one, the deliberate, conscientious, focused rearing of young people who understand the concept of respecting all individuals for who they are and what they are capable of…this is what matters most. And this is how we shape the generations to come.

~Scribesquill

Life comes full circle, doesn’t it? I was resolving an argument between my kids and before I knew it the words tumbled out of my mouth. “Put yourself in the other person’s shoes”, I told my son. I never thought I would say those words.

When I was a kid and got into arguments with siblings and cousins, my father always had a standard response: “Sweetie, put yourself in the other person’s shoes”. After a while, I knew what he would say but would gripe and complain nevertheless, only to hear the oft-repeated phrase. As I grew up, I realized how these little pieces of advice can shape you so immensely. I saw colleagues and friends struggling at work, with relationships, and with so many other interactions just because they couldn’t see things from another’s perspective – a blessing I had, thanks to my father. Words have power. Little things do matter.

Watch this snippet to see what I mean.

Anyway, back to it. After I finished my conversation with my son, I had an epiphany. What if these words were crucial to not just simple interactions but could be connected to a lot of the violence against women that we see? Global estimates published by WHO indicate that about 1 in 3 (35%) of women worldwide have experienced either physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence in their lifetime. 1 in 3. Women are easy prey especially in times of war or in the genocide of a people.

This is only too evident in the recent BBC report on Uyghur women which focuses on the treatment of women in the internment camps. One Uyghur woman, Tursunay Ziawudun, is mainly featured in this article. I sat horrified as I read the systematic and cruel torture and humiliation that was being carried out against these women. Clearly it was meant to dehumanize and destroy them. Not very different from what was meted out to victims of the Holocaust, Bosnians, Rohingya, Boko Haram, sadly the list goes on. 

As I spent the next few days with the image of this Uyghur woman burned in my memory, I grappled with the depravity and inhumanity of these crimes. How can one hurt another human so? How do you live with yourself after committing such atrocities? I just can’t fathom it. Maybe this happens when you don’t see the other person as human, or see them as lesser of a human. You do not see the humanity of the person in front of you. What you see is a dehumanized representation of them. How can we change that? Clearly there are multiple factors involved that contribute to gender violence – wars, politics, stereotypical portrayals in media, poor legislation, and lack of gender awareness. Needless to say we have to strive to bring about change in all these areas. But it is also imperative that we start first in our own homes. We should teach our children empathy, specifically our boys. If we want a world free of violence we must teach our children differently .

In the words of Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, 

“We must also raise our boys differently. We do a great disservice to boys on how we raise them; we stifle the humanity of boys…. We teach boys to be afraid of fear. We teach boys to be afraid of weakness, of vulnerability.”

And then we wonder how men can be so cruel, how they can inflict such horror on women? We teach them not to cry, not to be “sissies”, not to be in touch with their emotional selves and when they are emotionally deficient, we complain. When they grow up and are oblivious to the dignity, hurt and feelings of the women they love, work with or interact with, we are taken aback. We socialize our boys into being ruthless; we don’t socialize them into becoming caring human beings. It is as if we are afraid that if they are not ‘tough’ or ‘ruthless’ they are not manly enough.

Frederick Douglass said, 

“It’s easier to build strong children, than to repair broken men”. 

What if we take this advice to heart? What if we nurture our boys like we nurture our girls and also teach them to be nurturing? 

What if we taught them that it is cowardly to inflict harm on someone who is not as physically strong? 

What if we taught them the importance and value of consent? 

What if we taught them that real men stand up against oppression and injustice, whoever it may be against? 

What if we taught them that they could show empathy, be nurturing and gentle and still stand tall and tough in the face of adversity, that the two are not mutually exclusive? (For all the worried naysayers out there, please understand we do not emasculate our boys by teaching them empathy. Rather, we bring out their full power and potential.)

To summarise all these what-ifs: What if we taught our children to put themselves in the other person’s shoes? To put themselves in the shoes of women?

Maybe we would have a different world. Maybe then we will never have to weep for another Jyoti Singh or a Tursunay. Rest in peace Jyoti. May you find peace Tursunay.